A radio station in Australia ran a phone-in competition to find the most embarrassing moment in listener's lives. The final four were:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself, right now, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma I saw you kissing Daddy's Willie last night.' After this enlightening exchange, the silence was deafening. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank, with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard as the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride down to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on as a whole crowd of people yelled 'SURPRISE'. My entire family parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins as well as my friends, were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen on the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned any surprise parties.
A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag. The checkout girl got on the public address system, which boomed out across the store for everyone to hear, 'Price check for Tampax supersize.' But it got worse. Someone at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood word 'Tampax' for 'Thumbtacks', and replied in a business like tone, his voice booming over the same public address system: 'Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind one you belt in with a hammer.
First place: And the winner is . . .. This happened at a major Australian University, during a biology lecture. A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.
A young woman raised her hand and asked, 'If I understand you correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in male semen as in sugar?'
The professor responded, yes, that's correct adding some statistical data. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, 'Then why doesn't it taste sweet?' After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing.
The poor girl turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books, and without another word, walked out of the class.. However, as she was heading for the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally straight faced, he answered her question. 'It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat'.
I am desperate for some help! I recently upgraded my program from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected Child Processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources. This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure.
In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programmes and launches during systems initialization and then it monitors all other system activities.
Applications such as "Boys' Night out 2.5" and "Fishing 5.3" no longer run, and crashes the system whenever selected.
Attempting to operate selected "Rugby 6.3" always fails and "Shopping 7.1" runs instead.
I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favourite applications. Be it online or offline.
I am thinking of going back to "Girlfriend 7.0", but uninstall doesn't work on this programme. Can you please help?
.... The Systems Analyst replied:
This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding of the functions of the Wife 1.0 programme.
Many customers upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a Utility and Entertainment Programme.
Actually, Wife 1.0 is an operating system designed by its Creator to run everything on your current platform.
You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0, as Wife 1.0 was not designed to do this and it is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the programme files from the system once it is installed.
Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but have ended up with even more problems. (See Manual under Alimony/Child Support and Solicitors' Fees).
Having Wife 1.0 installed, I recommend you keep it installed and deal with the difficulties as best as you can.
When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the.........C:\ Apologize\ Forgive Me.Exe Programme and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-Key for it will freeze the entire system.
It may be necessary to run C:\ Apologize\ Forgive Me.Exe a number of times, and eventually hope that the operating system will return to normal.
Wife 1.0, although a very high maintenance programme, can be very rewarding.
To get the most out of it, consider buying additional Software such as "Flowers 2.0" and "Chocolates 5.0" or "Hugs\ Kisses 6.0" or "Tenderness\ Understanding 10.0" or "even Eating Out Without the Kids 7.2.1" (if Child processing has already started).
DO NOT under any circumstances install "Secretary 2.1" (Short Skirt Version) or "One Nightstand 3.2" (Any Mood Version), as this is not a supported Application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly Crash.
Sales Manager: Graham Carter P: 07 8551833 M: 021 02600437 E:
W: www.fishingoutdoors.org P.O. Box 10580, Te Rapa, Hamilton 3240 Facebook